Monday, March 1, 2010

Negative thoughts...

It seems like every time I write something on this here bloggy thing, I have something negative to say. It's true! I am spewing negatives. The reason: there isn't much that's positive when you are a Fat Chick. In fact, I have a list of 1700 things I can't do while I am fat, and a list of only about 150 that I can do. I am sure that there are more, and I am sure that I am dwelling on the negative, but being fat SUCKS! For those of you who are reading this and wondering: "If it SUCKS so badly, why don't you lose the weight, tubbo?"--I have the answer. When you look through all of your life and all that you see is negative, you get to the point where you feel like you are negative. You believe that you are worthless and that there isn't anything else you can do but 'face the music' and stay fat. For some of us, it is a real addiction. It's an addiction that you can't just quit cold turkey. Food is a necessity; unlike heroin, which one CAN live without. I mean, people don't need heroin like they need food, though they feel as though they do when they are addicted. It's the same with food. Most of the time I don't need food, I just want it. But, since my give-a-damn is busted (thanks country artist, whoever you are), I have just gone on with eating and eating, confusing needing and wanting. This negative spiral takes its toll on the Fat Chick and those that love her. She forgets that she is lovable, and the people who love her, forget that she is so unhappy. Before too long, that selfishness comes out in waves of self-loathing, self-soothing, and self, self, self. And, the people that love the Fat Chick disappear, proving to her that she was worthless all along. Negative, yes! The truth, absolutely! That cliché--you have to love yourself for others to love you is very true. The Fat Chick makes sure that people aren't there to love her; she makes sure that she intimidates people; she makes sure that she is a loner. She does this, because she couldn't deal with the truth of someone telling her she is worthless one more time. Being worthless surrounds her, so she surrounds herself with walls, and selfishness, and dishonesty, and ultimately anger. She surrounds herself with food, so that at least she has something when no one else is there to tell her she has value.

1 comment:

  1. Living life on life's terms is a tough one to get your head around. You are so right on about the addiction... and the part about but you have to eat to live. Abstinence for a food-aholic is touchy business - it is more about how you feel and why you are eating what you are eating and how it makes you feel after you eat it - more emotional than physical. It can be done! Even when life's terms suck! ;)