Does anyone remember the awful loneliness of not doing things with people because you were fat (I’m not sugar coating things here so …)
Does anyone remember how you felt when people looked at you and said something about your weight? Or even the “gawd she’s fat” looks? The shame you would feel as you shoved yet another fork full of food into your mouth?
Does anyone remember the sense of isolation in the try on rooms – “damn I gained more weight and have to go a size up again?” Getting pissed and leaving without buying anything?
and I won’t mention those dark thoughts when it was time to try on bathing suits and shorts and tank tops
Remember being hungry all the damned time and not being able to control it and people said “gee, if you had just a little more self control you could lose the weight…” – remember?
Remember when you walked and your thighs rubbed together? Remember that burning feeling?
Remember fighting back tears? Hating the scale? Hating yourself and your lack of control. Hating that each time you dieted you lost it and gained it all back, and then some? Remember the sense of failure?
And I won’t remind you of those pangs in your gut when you looked at yourself in the mirror, naked. Or photos.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
About two months ago, I was setting out on a new adventure. I had gastric bypass surgery on March 22, 2010. It has been wonderful. It has inspired me to write this blog. However, about a week after I was out of the hospital, I took my son to McDonald's and allowed him to eat and play at the Play Land. It was going pretty well, until this woman (I would call her something else, but that is childish) came. She was feuding with another mom, because this other mom insisted that her child was pushed. The woman was yelling and screaming. She was insisting that "her daughter would never push another child." Unfortunately, this 'woman' was not even in the vicinity of the play area, and wouldn't have known if her child had pushed another kid or not. This didn't stop her from being an idiot! After about 5 minutes of this, I wasn't able to keep my mouth shut. I said to the 'woman'--"You weren't even in here when it happened? Why don't you just deal with your child and quit being aggressive?" She got really upset and said, "If you would get up off your chair, you might have seen something." She was insinuating that I couldn't get off my chair, and was referencing my size. I know a lot of you think that this isn't something she was doing, but it certainly was. This type of stuff happens all the time. I should have said, "What? I am fat? Oh my, how did that happen?" Instead,I called her a name that I won't repeat and nearly got into a fist fight. I know, really mature. This is when I realized that I truly am an Angry Fat Chick. I am angry about a lot of things, but I am really angry that people see me and see me only as fat. I think that it is a travesty of justice that people judge others by their size, skin color, looks, etc. It's just wrong! However, I learned from this experience that I was judging the 'woman' too! I was judging her to be opinionated, rude, and neglectful of her children. I bet she is multiple things (and not only opinionated, rude and neglectful of her children), just like I am more than just a fat person. How does one really learn to accept themselves and each other?
Monday, March 1, 2010
It seems like every time I write something on this here bloggy thing, I have something negative to say. It's true! I am spewing negatives. The reason: there isn't much that's positive when you are a Fat Chick. In fact, I have a list of 1700 things I can't do while I am fat, and a list of only about 150 that I can do. I am sure that there are more, and I am sure that I am dwelling on the negative, but being fat SUCKS! For those of you who are reading this and wondering: "If it SUCKS so badly, why don't you lose the weight, tubbo?"--I have the answer. When you look through all of your life and all that you see is negative, you get to the point where you feel like you are negative. You believe that you are worthless and that there isn't anything else you can do but 'face the music' and stay fat. For some of us, it is a real addiction. It's an addiction that you can't just quit cold turkey. Food is a necessity; unlike heroin, which one CAN live without. I mean, people don't need heroin like they need food, though they feel as though they do when they are addicted. It's the same with food. Most of the time I don't need food, I just want it. But, since my give-a-damn is busted (thanks country artist, whoever you are), I have just gone on with eating and eating, confusing needing and wanting. This negative spiral takes its toll on the Fat Chick and those that love her. She forgets that she is lovable, and the people who love her, forget that she is so unhappy. Before too long, that selfishness comes out in waves of self-loathing, self-soothing, and self, self, self. And, the people that love the Fat Chick disappear, proving to her that she was worthless all along. Negative, yes! The truth, absolutely! That cliché--you have to love yourself for others to love you is very true. The Fat Chick makes sure that people aren't there to love her; she makes sure that she intimidates people; she makes sure that she is a loner. She does this, because she couldn't deal with the truth of someone telling her she is worthless one more time. Being worthless surrounds her, so she surrounds herself with walls, and selfishness, and dishonesty, and ultimately anger. She surrounds herself with food, so that at least she has something when no one else is there to tell her she has value.
Monday, February 15, 2010
There are many times in every person's life that the question, "Why do I even try?" comes up. I think that it is natural for people to question what is happening to them or why they exist. According to people who study development, we are constantly trying to perfect our identity. However, I think that the Fat Chick questions herself more often than any other human being. This is due to the fact that society, at large, is out there questioning the fat chicks. I mean, you can actually see people (men in particular) with a t-shirt that says "No Fat Chicks" on it. So, it seems to me that Fat Chicks question themselves constantly. This feeds the Approval Beast, and the cycle continues. This concept is actually called internalized hatred. It happens to people when they are told that they are worthless for long periods of time. Eventually, the person who hears they are worthless adopts the same definition for themselves and for other people like them. Fat Chicks are not the only ones who experience this: all people who are different from mainstream deal with learning to love themselves when the world tells them that they are not worth anything. My point? The Fat Chick is constantly moving between "Why even try?" and "I am worth it, why do people hate me so much?" and "I am worthless...I need to be like everyone else." and "Look at that Fat Chick, I hope she looks worse than I do." Anyone who has carried a few extra pounds has hoped that they don't look as fat as the other fat people. It's part of what Fat Chicks do. We compare, contrast, ridicule, and belittle ourselves just like the rest of the world does. Leads us right down the "Why do I even try?" yellow brick road. But, for many, there is no Emerald City and there is no "home" to get to where you feel okay. Fat Chicks just continue to self-destruct...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Approval...What a small thing, it seems. To many in the world, it is very small. I mean, we like it and we get it, but not many of us NEED it. I mean to say, there are many people who are happy to get approval from their family, friends, and those that are close to them. The Fat Chick--she is never okay with just a little approval. It's something that can't be given enough. In fact, since the Fat Chick can't get approval for appearance, she will go to extra lengths to find approval in other ways. There are so many other ways. Buying friends, having sex, lying...whatever it takes. Most Fat Chicks are overachievers. They will go the extra mile in all things. All things, except for taking care of themselves in a way that will help them with their weight. It isn't that Fat Chicks aren't aware of nutrition and exercise requirements. Fat Chicks can quote that information better than any nutritionist. It's that they feel there is no hope for them to join the Thin World. So, the Fat Chick will get good at something else. Perhaps it is academics, perhaps it is arts and crafts. Many times, it is something else self-destructive. Binging and purging, multiple sex partners, laxative use, hurting others hoping that there will be acceptance from the 'in crowd.' Approval is an ugly beast and rears its head more and more and more, with each passing day of the Fat Chicks life. More and more problems pop up and the self-loathing increases...we all know where that leads. To more eating. Vicious, vicious cycle!