Monday, December 28, 2009

Getting Started...the sequel

As I mentioned before...fat chicks are invisible. As a child, I was not invisible per se--because I was ridiculed intensely for being fat. However, that's a whole different topic. I digress. As the years go by and age is increased, the Fat Chick is quickly relegated to invisible status. To be invisible is synonymous with being worthless, at least as far as American Society is concerned. Thus, no matter how hard you work to be smart, pretty, funny, hard-working, never quite get the type of approval that you want. How do I know this? Well, I was skinny once. I spent the most glorious 6 years of my life in a thin body. I was noticed! I was complimented! I was approved! I was told things that I had never heard before in my entire life (outside of my family). I was told that I was worth something. Unfortunately, the information fell on deaf ears really. By then, I was an addict of approval. An addict, you say? OH YES! Approval to the Fat Chick is like Crack to the Crack Addict. It's an SAT question, in fact. Fat Chick=Approval Addict. It wasn't until I was fat again; however, that I realized that I was an Approval Addict. I guess I might have had the awareness somewhere deep down inside that all I really wanted was approval, but I was so busy trying to get it, that I never spent any quality time with myself to gain self-awareness (again, another topic for later). During those thin years, I made up for all the times that I was emotionally abused by peers, institutions, society and myself. I ran amok in the Thin World, and no one could stop me. I sought and received approval at a horrific speed, but it was never enough. There will never be enough approval from the outside world to satisfy my inner Approval Addict. EVER! It's a divine thing--approval! It gives you self-confidence, and energy, and faith in yourself. It gives you the will to do things; will that you might not ever have had without the kind words from others. When I was a Fat Chick, I was starved for approval, so I sopped up what was handed to me as a Thin Chick. I sopped it up, and asked for more! The thing was, I didn't really know the right way to obtain approval. I hadn't really gotten any as a Fat Chick; no matter how hard I tried. So, as a Thin Chick, I sort of went crazy and wild. I accepted tainted Approval, and didn't care about the consequences. I was taken advantage of; I was used; I was reckless with sexuality to get approval. I was out of control! And, most of all, I was still just a Fat Chick but in a thin body. I hadn't changed my identity as a Fat Chick at all--just the container that I came in. Because of this, the Fat Chick returned, more angry, more lonely, and much more addicted to Approval than ever before. However, the sources of Approval were drying up right and left, and old habits of emotional eating returned, bringing me further and further into the Fat Chick Realm. I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVISIBLE AGAIN! Unfortunately, the large of this world are often equated with worthlessness or non-existence. And, since becoming fat again, I have re-experienced this over and over again. In fact, I assure that it remains true. I don't go out. I don't like to spend time with friends. I don't like to be in places where Disapproval will rear its ugly head. So, I remain invisible, sad, lonely, and wishing for more. For those of you who are asking yourselves, "Why doesn't she just go on a diet and quit her bitching?"-- I have this to say: Fat Chick or Thin Chick; Approval Addict or not--when you are invisible, you forget that you exist and by doing so, you forget to do the things that would solve the problem. You forget that you deserve to take care of yourself--you forget that you aren't worthless--and you forget to be something other than what you know. It's an insidious thing...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Getting Started

In this world, being fat is tough. Not tough like fighting cancer or being abused by a spouse, but every day tough, like having a bad hair day EVERY day. I don't say this to get sympathy, but I do write to give some semblance of understanding to the skinny world what it is like to be fat. I quickly learned that people really don't care about the fat chick, but since this is a free blog, I will write anyway.

One of the funniest and most ironic experiences of being a fat chick is that you are invisible. I mean, you are fat, so it should be easy for people to see you; however, you are like a ghost. A non-entity. A no-one. And, because of this, you suffer and you eat. You eat to get bigger and be noticed. You eat to feel better. You eat, well, to eat. And, with each bite, you get more lost in the sea of other invisible people (like the homeless, or mentally ill, or poor). You get so lost that you yourself are not able to locate where you begin or where you end. So lost, that you might not ever be found again.

But, on this day, I am looking for me...for the real me, for what I am and what I will become. And, I vow, to no longer be the Angry (and invisible) Fat Chick.

Will you join me?