Thursday, August 25, 2011

Body dysmorphia?

Okay, so I have seen a lot of people wondering if there is something wrong with them in WLS forums, and many people have bantered about the term 'body dysmorphia.' As a result, I feel compelled to write a little bit about this and set some points of discussion out there so that perhaps the term can be better used.

As taken from

Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called "imagined ugliness."

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to "fix" your perceived flaws, but never will be satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, the fear of having a deformity

IT IS NOT when you aren't sure what your identity is now that you are no longer 'the fat chick/person.' That's trying to figure out a developmental milestone. If you always thought you were gonna be a 'fat chick/person' you probably resolved yourself to that identity in your mid- to late twenties and went about your business. If you went ahead and had WLS and drastically changed your outside self, then your inside self probably can't or hasn't caught up. It's a matter of making them match! So, this confusion is CLOSE to dysmorphia, but isn't quite dysmorphia. SEE ABOVE DEFINITION!

Being confused about yourself is a normal process that happens when you make big change. That is one of the reasons why WLS people/specialists recommend support groups and therapy, so that you have someone else there to help you through the process. Unless you are obsessed about your perceived flaw or ugliness, you are probably not suffering from dysmorphia, but rather, the confusion created when big SHIT changes and you aren't prepared for the rapid nature of said shit storm....

Monday, August 22, 2011

It's all about size

So, I have been sparked by a recent video blog that I have seen where a gal was humiliated by an airline into buying an extra plane ticket, and I figured that today was a good day to tackle the topic of sizism. It's out there people, and ya'll know you have been sizist at one time or another. I think people with weight issues are the worst of all, but that's just my take. Think about the last time you were in the aisle at a department store or grocery store and a larger person asked to get past. They said, "Excuse me" and you moved about 2 cm over to let them through. If you were paying good attention, 2 cm wasn't going to help much, but you didn't care, because you did indeed 'excuse' them and moved. It's not your problem that they can't fit in the space. Or, in same said department store, the aisles are so crowded that people have to shimmy to the left and right to look around. It's not just larger people who have trouble in these circumstances--people who are carrying babies or pushing strollers can't get through either. None of that truly matters though, because much of the world is determined to use a one-size-fits-all infrastructure for things. I get it that airlines, movie theaters, baseball stadiums, etc. all need to put as many seats as they can in a space in order to maximize their profits. However, if they gave a little more room for folks (whether large, with children, or normal size, WHATEVER) perhaps more people would come because they know that they would feel comfortable and enjoy themselves. I have avoided concerts, baseball games, theaters, airplanes, grocery store aisles--all because I was afraid of the humiliation it would bring if I didn't fit or if I broke something. If you are of a healthy weight, you have probably never had to consider these things. You have probably never had to use a seatbelt extender, or cram yourself into a seat small enough for a 5-year-old, or think about whether you could go to lunch with a friend because you can't fit in their car. Am I saying that the world should just supersize itself and not use the law of averages--heaven's no! I just wish all people would consider the differences of people (size, attitude, cultural, etc) and proceed with a sense of caring rather than one of disdain. If we walk through this world remembering that different is not deficient then things like the video blog of the gal trying to fly home on SWA wouldn't have to happen. If we treat each other with respect, despite our differences, then there wouldn't be hate, hate crimes... I guess it's a tall order, but it's definitely one I am willing to tackle. Now that I have had WLS, I am smaller in physicality, but my brain still tells me to watch out. This hypervigilance can be put to good use as an advocate for others who are afraid of how the world treats people who are different. I will always look out for the bigger guy. Cuz, like his cousin the little guy, he can get hurt pretty badly by the masses.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Beck Counseling & Consultation - Home - Moses Lake, WA

Beck Counseling & Consultation - Home - Moses Lake, WA

live like we're dying

If you are an overweight person, you are doing exactly this. Living like your dying!! Cuz, essentially, you are. Quickly! One could argue that we are all dying slowing, but an overweight/obese person is dying QUICKLY! One foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peel (or ice cream wrapper, your pick). There are so many things that I have missed out on as a fat person. The thing that bothers me the most is that I don't have the approval of my peers. I have been told that I can't get a job because I am fat, I have not been included in fun activities because I am fat, and I have not been included in wedding parties, because I am fat. So, I continue to live(die) at a steady pace, filling my face with the stuff that actually makes me better momentarily, but makes me dead all that much faster. I have told my teenage son that, should be consider using drugs, I would just put an end of the misery faster and quicker by ending him myself rather than watch him slowly die at his own hands. I guess that makes me a hypocrite because he has been watching me with my addiction, wasting my life, and not enjoying myself. SAME THING!

Why is it that I want to be approved of so badly that I would go to such extremes to get approval, but I won't put that energy into taking care of my health and doing a little exercise? Where did I get the idea that I was entitled to have a vise or addiction in order to live through the stresses of life? I mean, we don't really have to have addictions. But, we do need to eat. When food is your addiction, where does that leave you? It leaves you confused, hurt and angry, and then back to doing the very thing that got your hurt, confused and angry. And, when do I decide to get off this roller coaster ride?

It's really my choice. But society doesn't seem to understand or get it. I think that does prevent me from having positive thoughts at times. However, I have to get it into my thick skull that I can't worry about what society thinks--I have to change how I think. I can't rely on the support of the world to help me with my obesity. Society hates fat people! It's that simple! So, I have to learn to love myself and LIVE despite food and despite the people who hate me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Guess what? I'm still angry

Okay, so I am nearly at goal weight. Isn't that when I am supposed to be happy? I have been promised utopia by a society that worships the thin, yet; I haven't found that my weight is at all connected to happiness. I have been happy when I was fat, and I have been happy when I have been thin. I have been healthy and angry; fat and calm. I guess the point of this post is that the answer to happiness is completely unrelated to a number on a scale. I wish that more people were aware of this fact, but it seems that more and more people are finding happiness in ways that are destructive or are looking for happiness in places where it is hard to find. Not to say that I have the answers, because I certainly don't. What I do know; however, is that to find happiness it takes the ability to get out of one's head--out of one's comfort zone--out of one's habits or rituals. Eating is a habit for me--probably more of a ritual. I eat when I am unhappy. So, this means that I am fat and unhappy at the same time. Being sad isn't something that society values, so instead I am angry. Over and over and over again--the cycle continues.

How many of you out there are angry because that is the emotion that is allowed? How many of you--if you really reflect on yourself--are angry (hurt, frustrated, sad, depressed **insert any emotion here**) and refusing to honor the feeling by eating it all away? Why do us 'fat chicks' do that and how do we stop? For, we have to stop. It's killing us--it's make America fat. The utopia connected to "perfect weight" is a myth, but the happiness connected to sense of self is still a possibility. Utopia actually means a place that can't exist... ...I want to exist and I want to be healthy. So, no more self destructive eating and no more fear of emotion. It's all something to be valued.