Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I am looking for people who would be willing to send samples and information for improving health or participate/sponsor The Spokane Walk From Obesity. This walk is a national fundraising event that raises awareness and funds to improve the quality of life and health of those affected by obesity. The mission of the walk is to bring together all who are affected by obesity to draw national attention to the need for awareness, treatment and advocacy initiatives. This is the first one done in SPOKANE! I need your help! The walk is planned for April 15tH, 2012. If I could get an interview or a shout out I would really appreciate it.  My number is 5094311875  Spokane is my home town and I want to show what we can do!  If you are willing to help out in any way, please contact me and I will provide you with more information, proof of the donation for tax purposes, and with sponsorship will add you to our Tshirts and brochures.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Thursday, January 12, 2012

What next...

I am so weary - I have been thinking about what it would be like to be thin my whole life.  What happens if I get there?  What else will I have to obsess about?  What else will I be - my identity is wrapped up in being the fat chick or the person who is constantly on a diet.  Where will I go?  Where will I end?  I am a very confused person right now...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Ok, so I lied

My previous post was supposed to be the next 5 things I lost in my obesity, but I only posted 3.  I guess I lied (or I can't count-which is highly likely having gone to Cheney High School).  How many of you have a list like this?  How many of you are willing to admit that you have lost your life as a result of your weight?  How many of you think that you are actually going to die sooner if you don't make healthier choices?  I know that, in the middle of my worst eating, I believed that it would happen to someone else. My dear friend Crystl said to me - 'You used to always say you are fat, but you are healthy.  That just isn't true.  You are sick all the time.'  Denial?  I think so!  I believe that there are times when I still am in denial about my weight and health.  I wonder when I will be able to completely conquer this monster?   I don't know, but I do know that I am no longer going to be in denial which will keep me ready to focus and fight off the obesity beast.

9.  Ride in a plane.  While 600+ lbs, you really can't ride in an airplane and keep any modicum of pride.  People will make fun of you.  People will complain that you are taking their space.  Let's face it - space is a precious commodity on an airplane and even normal weight people don't often have enough room.  I still have not been in a plane, but it's not because of my obesity.  It is because I can't afford an airplane ride ;)

10.  Clip my own toenails.  I had to ask my husband to do it.  I had to have him do pretty much anything that required that I bend or maneuver around my mass.  I could have went to the pedicurist, but...

11.   Fit in the pedicurist chair.  600+ lbs is a lot of weight.  You don't fit in many places.  Most pedicure chairs will fit you, but you have to sort of climb up into them.  That's not something I could do.  Thus, I had to have my husband do my toenails.  I now, lovingly, go and get my toes done as much as I need because I CAN DO IT!

12.  Walk into a room without everyone starting - I would like to think that if people are staring now they are doing so because I am glamorous and not frightening.  I remember when I tried to go to a gym one time.  Everyone around me was staring because I was so sweaty and my face was so red.  Someone even asked me if I was having a heart attack - no, I was just moving my 600+ lb. mass.

13.  Fit in the dentist's chair - I had to maneuver in and hope that one of the arms would move up.  It was always humiliating.  And then, the people in the office are embarrassed and upset because they can't accommodate me.  When people say that their obesity doesn't impact anyone but themselves, I argue differently.  My obesity impacted everyone around me - in one way or another.

14.  While we are talking professional chairs - I couldn't fit in many waiting room chairs.  I actually broke a chair/bench in my son's eye doctor's office.  I was mortified.  I sat down, and the chair fell apart.  I landed on the floor, and the entire office was shocked.  People snickered.  I was so embarrassed.  And then I had to have the conversation about whether I needed to pay for what I broke.  They told me no but I am sure that they weren't happy that I single-handedly broke their bench.

15.  Tie my own shoes - I could tie my shoes, but they would be to the side of the shoes.  And I always tied by shoes in double knots so that they wouldn't untie and I wouldn't be forced to re-tie them on the street or in public.  It would be impossible to just bend over and tie them back up.  (BTW, I can do tie my shoes and wear NORMAL people boots now - not the wide leg ones).

What types of things are holding you back?  You might not be struggling with obesity and food, but there are probably things that you are allowing hold you back.  Today is as good a day as any to get those things back in order in your life...

Friday, January 6, 2012

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The next 5...

6.  Go somewhere without being made fun of.  Within a week of surgery, I took my little one to McDonald's to the playland.  (I know, I know).  He was playing in the area and a pair of mom's were going at it, because one mom's child was mean to the other mom's child.  One mom was not anywhere near the play area, and when she was called out on that, she got upset.  She was getting aggressive, so I said, "You need to calm down and resolve this without being aggressive."  She said, "What do you know, if you could even get out of that chair to play with your kid, maybe you would have seen what was going on?"  I had WLS the week before, but I was so tempted to show her how fast a 500 lb woman could move and show her what could happen.  As it is, I can now play and enjoy the play area, and we don't go often, but we do go (after all, it's not about the food - it's about the behaviors and the other stuff.

7.   Enjoy a day out without sweating to death - I haven't been able to spend time doing things without sweating to death.  I mean, I couldn't do anything without sweating.  I would sweat, and sweat, and sweat.  It was very embarrassing.  I would walk 10 feet and would sweat.  That doesn't happen anymore.  I am very cold much of the time, primarily as a side effect of WLS, but it's nice not to sweat soo much :)

8.  I can't fit into an amusement park ride:  Over the summer, I was able to fit in an amusement park ride and it was a lot of fun. I couldn't believe how much fun it was to get to be in a ride with my child. In 2007, I went to Disneyland with the family and I couldn't barely walk around the park.  In fact, I rented one of those machines on one day.  So, in less than three years, I have returned to the land of the amusement park rather than being the amusement to others (yes, there really are those types of mean people out there).

Monday, January 2, 2012

What the hell do with all of this clutter?

When I started on my weight loss journey I did this journaling experience where I wrote down all the things that I lost and was gonna get back in my new, reduced weight and healthy life.  I think it is time to admit some of these things to someone other than myself.

This is me.  This is some of my clutter!  this is the first time I would share with the world what my weight has done to my body.   At one point, in my life, I was thin and wasn't wrinkly, skin-wrinkled, and full of yuck.  It was a long time ago.  I did this current version of me to myself.

This is the last time I had a all the things in my list that I wanted to recover.  Mind you, I thought I was fat.

Here's my progression, but here's not what I lost and had to regain.  The list was 1733 when I quit.  I am going to attempt to share some of them.  Many of them are shameful.  It's important I share those. Many of them are disgusting to others - share even if you have to be mean - I am stronger than I used to be.

1.   Be able to wipe my own ass and not leave streaks - this was obtained after losing about 100 lbs.
2.   Be able to fit into a car - nearly any car - and wear seat belts.  This was obtained in about 150 lbs.
3.   Be able to help out my children, family, husband, and friends because I couldn't walk - this happened in about 3 weeks from surgery.
4.   Be able to look myself in the mirror to put on makeup and do my hair - other than a pony tail.  This happened about 6 weeks post surgery.
5.   Be able to respect myself - this still hasn't happened totally but I am trying

I am going to reclaim each of those 1733 things in my life.  I am not going to allow myself to self-destruct and sit idly by allowing my behaviors (not the food) destroy me.  In second grade I was tortured for being 212 lbs.  In 6th grade the whole class told me they didn't want to be my friend.  I have struggled with trying to make people like me = even if that meant lying, giving, stealing, or manipulating to make it happen.

I am not blaming the mean people who hurt me in life.  I blame myself for not being a surviver or a thriver. I blame myself for not accepting help sooner.  I blame depression and anxiety that was ingrained and scared me to do things and prevented my motivation to do anything to take care of me.  I have looked back at successful moments in my life and I am incorporating them.  I am going to list 5 things every few days I have lost and hopefully have regained here for me - and maybe for you.  I hope to be helpful to someone other than myself.

Parting shot:  internalized hatred is at the core of this.  Discrimination and oppression, despite your difference, force you into disordered thinking (not always, there are those that are resilient).  I am not resilient.  I am scared and afraid and often alone with this these thoughts.  That's where you come in.

Now, where's that magic wand?  I guess it's me...

I have been trying to wrap my brain around this for at least a week, and it has taken me this long to try to get to the point where I can write something coherent about the situation.

It was the 23rd of December and we were going to my parents' house for the holiday.  I knew that there would be a lot of cookies and candies - this is part of what my family does for the holidays and I don't think that other people should suffer because I have a problem with food.

However, I didn't realize what a HUGE problem with food I had (well, maybe I did, but I tried to ignore it) until the full spread was there in the living room.  The previous year I had only been about 8 months away from surgery, so my RNY tool was working at it's full max and I wasn't hungry.  I was able to withstand the food onslaught - and we went to my older sister's house who has also had RNY and she is very much on the program.  Anyway, I saw the spread and it was an instant panic attack.

Within an hour of the second day of being there and being awake, I made myself sick on a popcorn ball.  I ate the whole thing.  The issue is - it didn't stop there.  I got sick, had to take a nap and sleep off the carb coma and nausea, and then I still went and ate carmel, and molasses cookies, and more and more.

On Christmas eve, after we unwrapped the presents and had the hoopla, my mother asked me what was wrong.  I totally and completely broke down and started crying.  I told her that the food was too much.  It was like dropping a heroin addict into a room full of the good stuff.  She said that the only way that she could show love or celebrate was with the food because they didn't have much money.  I know that they had to spend a ton on the food - it's expensive to make handmade goodies.  I don't want any gifts!  I don't want this!  And I sure as hell don't want more food when I know that I can't stay away.

I don't know if there will be a time when I will be strong enough to completely stay away from food.  I don't know if there will be a time where my family, who all has a problem with food, will realize that it's the behaviors and the situation that is the problem.  If you make a ton of food, the people in our family will eat a ton of food.

It's almost a predetermined self-sabotage waiting to happen.