Sunday, May 13, 2012

All you need is love...

I have heard this song over and over again in my life and often wondered what it truly meant.  The logical part of me is like "What!  That's ridiculous!  If you don't have food and water, you certainly can't live off love."  However, now that it seems like the world is out of love to share for one another (at least from my current perspective) I have to wonder if The Fab Four weren't prophetic.

Many things have me thinking about this.  My uncle passed.  This is the 8th significant death in my family in 5 years.  Our family is not known for showing love for one another, and my lack of talking to him more than once every 2 years on average is illustrative of this.  My dad's family has a lot of alcoholism and a lot of emotional stagnation, which I don't wish to go into at great length here other than to say I tend to be a little withdrawn like them.  I love my family and would do anything for them, but I am not the one to usually reach out first.  That's going to change.

My feelings have been so over the place since my hysterectomy (yes, I had this procedure, and many other things have happened since I last bored you with my inane banter) but I do believe that much of it is warranted.  People are just outright mean.  It isn't setting boundaries, are trying to communicate, or anything.  It's just outright mean. And this meanness is as the heart of why my dad's side of the family wasn't very close and why, many of us are obese (in my opinion).  Stunting your emotions will only make you have to deal with them later - they may hurt - but they can hurt now on your terms or they can hurt later with consequences you don't like.

So, this is my life....emotionally I am at wits, financially too.  I work 15+ hours a day but that isn't enough.  I will lose a job soon the only real one that makes money.  I don't even know if I have the passion I once did.  Again, all I need is love.

But it's a double edged sword, because love (or approval) has always been something I have striven for and it hasn't been the best for me.  It has challenged my integrity many times.  It has burnt me to the core.  It has made it hard for me to trust that people won't trample all over my heart but it has made me do just about anything to show them how important it is to be 'perfect' and accepted by them.

I am rambling.  The loss of my uncle comes on the wake of a very good moment in my life.  As boring as my journey may be to someone else, my hometown newspaper ran a HUGE article about me and about the Walk from Obesity that I planned for Spokane, Washington.  And we didn't do too badly.  The idea of the walk is to help AMSBS raise money for research on the efficacy and benefits of WLS and to advocate to legislature and insurance companies to make sure that this much needed option remains a part of the benefits.  It hit home to me that 30 years ago or more, when my uncle who just passed was diagnosed with diabetes (in an ethnic group whose rate is higher than any other - American Indian), this surgery being out there might have helped him to live a longer life, not lose a leg, and not lose some of the things that he enjoyed (hunting, fishing, gambling :) ).  Unfortunately, this surgery wasn't part of the normal process, he was on social security for as long as I could remember, and he had acromegaly in the years when treatment for this was rather sketchy.  He went home to his children, BJ and Jamie, his parents, and his sisters - as well as countless other family members 90% whom where obese, or at least overweight.  This doesn't strike me odd.  Being FAT kills.  Yet treatment of this disorder, including behavioral health (which in my opinion is just as important as the actual restriction/malabsorption medical procedures) is still being questioned.  The Centers of Excellence have not included behavioral health as a requirement to my knowledge, but there are many studies about regain and how mental health impacts this.  In order to have WLS, you have to have a psychological evaluation, but ongoing treatment is sketchy.  If we are going to treat this disease, let's treat it right.  Let's not show fantastical shows on the latest fad diets, etc (SHAME ON YOU ABC and 20/20) without showing a viable one, even if there are complications and problems connected to it. 

In a world that love is so important, why isn't there the understanding that behavioral health and even plastic surgery is part of the weight loss package.  And why, oh why do so many of us lack love for ourselves as well as have to watch loved ones die as a result of obesity related illnesses?  It's a question easily answered - the almighty dollar.  Sad that money is more important than Love.  I suspect that The Fab Four would be am I.

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