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I have been trying to wrap my brain around this for at least a week, and it has taken me this long to try to get to the point where I can write something coherent about the situation.
It was the 23rd of December and we were going to my parents' house for the holiday. I knew that there would be a lot of cookies and candies - this is part of what my family does for the holidays and I don't think that other people should suffer because I have a problem with food.
However, I didn't realize what a HUGE problem with food I had (well, maybe I did, but I tried to ignore it) until the full spread was there in the living room. The previous year I had only been about 8 months away from surgery, so my RNY tool was working at it's full max and I wasn't hungry. I was able to withstand the food onslaught - and we went to my older sister's house who has also had RNY and she is very much on the program. Anyway, I saw the spread and it was an instant panic attack.
Within an hour of the second day of being there and being awake, I made myself sick on a popcorn ball. I ate the whole thing. The issue is - it didn't stop there. I got sick, had to take a nap and sleep off the carb coma and nausea, and then I still went and ate carmel, and molasses cookies, and more and more.
On Christmas eve, after we unwrapped the presents and had the hoopla, my mother asked me what was wrong. I totally and completely broke down and started crying. I told her that the food was too much. It was like dropping a heroin addict into a room full of the good stuff. She said that the only way that she could show love or celebrate was with the food because they didn't have much money. I know that they had to spend a ton on the food - it's expensive to make handmade goodies. I don't want any gifts! I don't want this! And I sure as hell don't want more food when I know that I can't stay away.
I don't know if there will be a time when I will be strong enough to completely stay away from food. I don't know if there will be a time where my family, who all has a problem with food, will realize that it's the behaviors and the situation that is the problem. If you make a ton of food, the people in our family will eat a ton of food.
It's almost a predetermined self-sabotage waiting to happen.
It was the 23rd of December and we were going to my parents' house for the holiday. I knew that there would be a lot of cookies and candies - this is part of what my family does for the holidays and I don't think that other people should suffer because I have a problem with food.
However, I didn't realize what a HUGE problem with food I had (well, maybe I did, but I tried to ignore it) until the full spread was there in the living room. The previous year I had only been about 8 months away from surgery, so my RNY tool was working at it's full max and I wasn't hungry. I was able to withstand the food onslaught - and we went to my older sister's house who has also had RNY and she is very much on the program. Anyway, I saw the spread and it was an instant panic attack.
Within an hour of the second day of being there and being awake, I made myself sick on a popcorn ball. I ate the whole thing. The issue is - it didn't stop there. I got sick, had to take a nap and sleep off the carb coma and nausea, and then I still went and ate carmel, and molasses cookies, and more and more.
On Christmas eve, after we unwrapped the presents and had the hoopla, my mother asked me what was wrong. I totally and completely broke down and started crying. I told her that the food was too much. It was like dropping a heroin addict into a room full of the good stuff. She said that the only way that she could show love or celebrate was with the food because they didn't have much money. I know that they had to spend a ton on the food - it's expensive to make handmade goodies. I don't want any gifts! I don't want this! And I sure as hell don't want more food when I know that I can't stay away.
I don't know if there will be a time when I will be strong enough to completely stay away from food. I don't know if there will be a time where my family, who all has a problem with food, will realize that it's the behaviors and the situation that is the problem. If you make a ton of food, the people in our family will eat a ton of food.
It's almost a predetermined self-sabotage waiting to happen.
It's hard trying to take control when others in your life are wrangling it away from you. There are no easy answers. Persevere.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't in the mood to make anything but simple fudge. Which is all right I have lost the taste for cookies, pies, and any goodies that Bill and I use to make. It isn't the same without him. So we just had a few goodies. I try going and filling up on veggies or fruit before I look at food so I don't get the cravings. I know you can do it,but it is hard with the Great goodies your mom makes.
ReplyDelete