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Man, it's hard to believe that I have let so much time go by without writing something - as though my thoughts are anything more than a form of 'emotional vomit' but nevertheless they bring me comfort (or did, I think). Why I haven't written is more than likely due to the fact that there has been just too much to write about and most of it is stuff that isn't for the public, so to speak. I like my emotional vomit moments as much as anyone else, but I don't like to give up too much information to many. Which leads me to this post...
Over the last year, there has been so many changes to trying to make things different in me that I can't quite even intimate how 'inside my head' I have been, without saying it exactly in those terms. The stuff between my ears seems to have gotten more and more extensive, rather than less. It is inversely correlated with each and every pound I have lost, regained, re-lost, regained, re-lost, etc. In fact, it is very much like I never had gastric bypass surgery because I am in the same emotional mire of eating what I shouldn't (but in smaller amounts obviously), feeling guilty and eating more OR not eating at all for fear of 'getting fat' again. Let's face it, in my head I am and probably always will be 'fat.' It's too hard to think of being anything that what I have always been. The periods of healthiness between birth and now have been so minute that I almost can't remember them, and when I do, I still remember thinking at that time - "Man, I wish I wasn't so fat!"
Someone recently told me "You're mind is golden and you're heart is platinum." I should have been excited as those are things that are noble. What I wanted, honestly, was "You rock my gypsy soul!" Seriously warped that my looks, nay, my vanity has trumped being intelligent and good of heart. Yet here I sit, baring my soul and exchanging this little nugget because I have been told in this awesome group of friends I have acquired that the secrets keep us sick.
So, with that, I am done for NOW, but not forever. I plan to stick with or get back to this - whichever is more appropriate - blog thing as it appeals to me and to a few followers.
May you be blessed as you trudge this road of happy destiny...)I so much love this that I need to repeat it and to those of you that are aware of it's origins) then until we meet again...
Over the last year, there has been so many changes to trying to make things different in me that I can't quite even intimate how 'inside my head' I have been, without saying it exactly in those terms. The stuff between my ears seems to have gotten more and more extensive, rather than less. It is inversely correlated with each and every pound I have lost, regained, re-lost, regained, re-lost, etc. In fact, it is very much like I never had gastric bypass surgery because I am in the same emotional mire of eating what I shouldn't (but in smaller amounts obviously), feeling guilty and eating more OR not eating at all for fear of 'getting fat' again. Let's face it, in my head I am and probably always will be 'fat.' It's too hard to think of being anything that what I have always been. The periods of healthiness between birth and now have been so minute that I almost can't remember them, and when I do, I still remember thinking at that time - "Man, I wish I wasn't so fat!"
Someone recently told me "You're mind is golden and you're heart is platinum." I should have been excited as those are things that are noble. What I wanted, honestly, was "You rock my gypsy soul!" Seriously warped that my looks, nay, my vanity has trumped being intelligent and good of heart. Yet here I sit, baring my soul and exchanging this little nugget because I have been told in this awesome group of friends I have acquired that the secrets keep us sick.
So, with that, I am done for NOW, but not forever. I plan to stick with or get back to this - whichever is more appropriate - blog thing as it appeals to me and to a few followers.
May you be blessed as you trudge this road of happy destiny...)I so much love this that I need to repeat it and to those of you that are aware of it's origins) then until we meet again...
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