What the hell do with all of this clutter?

When I started on my weight loss journey I did this journaling experience where I wrote down all the things that I lost and was gonna get back in my new, reduced weight and healthy life.  I think it is time to admit some of these things to someone other than myself.

This is me.  This is some of my clutter!  this is the first time I would share with the world what my weight has done to my body.   At one point, in my life, I was thin and wasn't wrinkly, skin-wrinkled, and full of yuck.  It was a long time ago.  I did this current version of me to myself.

This is the last time I had a all the things in my list that I wanted to recover.  Mind you, I thought I was fat.

Here's my progression, but here's not what I lost and had to regain.  The list was 1733 when I quit.  I am going to attempt to share some of them.  Many of them are shameful.  It's important I share those. Many of them are disgusting to others - share even if you have to be mean - I am stronger than I used to be.

1.   Be able to wipe my own ass and not leave streaks - this was obtained after losing about 100 lbs.
2.   Be able to fit into a car - nearly any car - and wear seat belts.  This was obtained in about 150 lbs.
3.   Be able to help out my children, family, husband, and friends because I couldn't walk - this happened in about 3 weeks from surgery.
4.   Be able to look myself in the mirror to put on makeup and do my hair - other than a pony tail.  This happened about 6 weeks post surgery.
5.   Be able to respect myself - this still hasn't happened totally but I am trying

I am going to reclaim each of those 1733 things in my life.  I am not going to allow myself to self-destruct and sit idly by allowing my behaviors (not the food) destroy me.  In second grade I was tortured for being 212 lbs.  In 6th grade the whole class told me they didn't want to be my friend.  I have struggled with trying to make people like me = even if that meant lying, giving, stealing, or manipulating to make it happen.

I am not blaming the mean people who hurt me in life.  I blame myself for not being a surviver or a thriver. I blame myself for not accepting help sooner.  I blame depression and anxiety that was ingrained and scared me to do things and prevented my motivation to do anything to take care of me.  I have looked back at successful moments in my life and I am incorporating them.  I am going to list 5 things every few days I have lost and hopefully have regained here for me - and maybe for you.  I hope to be helpful to someone other than myself.

Parting shot:  internalized hatred is at the core of this.  Discrimination and oppression, despite your difference, force you into disordered thinking (not always, there are those that are resilient).  I am not resilient.  I am scared and afraid and often alone with this these thoughts.  That's where you come in.

Now, where's that magic wand?  I guess it's me...