Monday, January 2, 2012

What the hell do with all of this clutter?

When I started on my weight loss journey I did this journaling experience where I wrote down all the things that I lost and was gonna get back in my new, reduced weight and healthy life.  I think it is time to admit some of these things to someone other than myself.

This is me.  This is some of my clutter!  this is the first time I would share with the world what my weight has done to my body.   At one point, in my life, I was thin and wasn't wrinkly, skin-wrinkled, and full of yuck.  It was a long time ago.  I did this current version of me to myself.

This is the last time I had a all the things in my list that I wanted to recover.  Mind you, I thought I was fat.

Here's my progression, but here's not what I lost and had to regain.  The list was 1733 when I quit.  I am going to attempt to share some of them.  Many of them are shameful.  It's important I share those. Many of them are disgusting to others - share even if you have to be mean - I am stronger than I used to be.

1.   Be able to wipe my own ass and not leave streaks - this was obtained after losing about 100 lbs.
2.   Be able to fit into a car - nearly any car - and wear seat belts.  This was obtained in about 150 lbs.
3.   Be able to help out my children, family, husband, and friends because I couldn't walk - this happened in about 3 weeks from surgery.
4.   Be able to look myself in the mirror to put on makeup and do my hair - other than a pony tail.  This happened about 6 weeks post surgery.
5.   Be able to respect myself - this still hasn't happened totally but I am trying

I am going to reclaim each of those 1733 things in my life.  I am not going to allow myself to self-destruct and sit idly by allowing my behaviors (not the food) destroy me.  In second grade I was tortured for being 212 lbs.  In 6th grade the whole class told me they didn't want to be my friend.  I have struggled with trying to make people like me = even if that meant lying, giving, stealing, or manipulating to make it happen.

I am not blaming the mean people who hurt me in life.  I blame myself for not being a surviver or a thriver. I blame myself for not accepting help sooner.  I blame depression and anxiety that was ingrained and scared me to do things and prevented my motivation to do anything to take care of me.  I have looked back at successful moments in my life and I am incorporating them.  I am going to list 5 things every few days I have lost and hopefully have regained here for me - and maybe for you.  I hope to be helpful to someone other than myself.

Parting shot:  internalized hatred is at the core of this.  Discrimination and oppression, despite your difference, force you into disordered thinking (not always, there are those that are resilient).  I am not resilient.  I am scared and afraid and often alone with this these thoughts.  That's where you come in.

Now, where's that magic wand?  I guess it's me...

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to a lot of what you said above. I hated my body when I was fat.... I now like my body a lot more in clothes but take them off and I am totally grossed out..... I never dress/undress anywhere near a mirror.... usually done in the hallway if I know my son wont walk up on me (he is 4). I am 35 my boobs look like grapefruits in socks..... I started as a 42 F cup now a 34 DDD. I thought 42 F bras were hard to find but 34 DDD close to impossible. I am actually almost done with the steps to get my insurance to pay for a reduction!!! but this thing down there just before you get to my knees that starts at my hips....... just discusting. My husband loves my body!!! but he isnt the one that feels this thing as it slaps my thighs when we have sex... clothes on I am fine...... clothes off I cry. I have been out of work since Oct 31st so its not like I can afford to have any plastic surgery unless it is covered by my insurance plan. As it stands right now my tummy tuck is going to have to wait a long while!!! I need to watch what you do here and hopefully it will inspire me and help me to appreciate what I have lost/gained!!! Thanks for posting this, Karen